The Albatross Project
September 2004
Returning to the path of ice cream sundaes and field trips to the zoo, Alex once again sculpts a musical statue worthy of recognition in the baseball hall of fame. With every song meticulously (but not lifelessly) produced to be a highly entertaining hit, what we have on our hands here is a cheese-solid disc that eschews the filler of yesteryear. With the guiding spirit of a noble wandering albatross, songs like “I Am The Ice Age,” “Fight The Cougar” and “Admire The Admire” spew forth a fizzy vibrancy that’s all too rare these days. Ridiculous but focused, original but tuneful, The Albatross Project is the soundtrack to your Wednesday afternoon piano lesson.
Track Listing
(click titles for lyrics)
-
I’m not the Bering Strait
I’m not the Bering Strait
I am the Ice Age
I am the Ice AgeAnd isn’t it strange
How I let you walk all over me?
Am I your bathmat?
Am I just now where it’s at?
And you’re so heavy
Welcome to North America!
Hello wooly mammoth
Hello all ya mammals
From the mastodon to the person to the animalHey! Yeah!
I am the Ice AgeAnd I’m starting to show my age
‘Cause sunlight is all the rage
I’m starting to melt
Down in the Bible Belt
The ships are out sailing
The winds are prevailing
My first hint was a melty Junior MintHey! Yeah!
I am the Ice AgeLet me show you what I got here
It’s an Icy Manipulator
I hope you don’t mind
That I keep it in my refrigerator
I’d ice the winner
But it’s time for dinner
Say haven’t you noticed
That I ate the Black Lotus?Hey! Yeah!
I am the Ice AgeI’m not the saber tooth
I’m not the saber tooth
I am the Ice age
I am the Ice Age -
I’m sorry for the loss of your albatross
I have to say I feel kind of guilty
Everybody dies for the same price
Like a box set of Mission: ImpossibleI’m not saying that the albatross could not rap
I’m not gonna put him down
But he got dissed and dismissed by the Micro Machines guy
Where’s the flow? I don’t knowI’m sorry for the loss of your albatross
I heard he played with 4 Non Blondes
He took swimming lessons from Attackula
He knows he must use the ointment nowI’m not saying that he couldn’t school a cockfight
There’s not a cloud in the silver night
I’d go to a barbecue, maybe bring a famous pie
But he got killed by the Micro Machines guyAlbatross
I feel your loss
The more I think about watching Who’s The Boss
And you are sticking to meI’m sorry for the loss of your albatross
I have to say I feel disappointed
Everybody dies for the same price
Like a box set of Gilligan’s IslandAlbatross
I feel your loss
The more I think about watching Who’s The Boss
And you are sticking to me
And you are sticking with me -
My girl’s hard up and I’m sitting pretty
That’s what you get when you make friends with a machine
I’m getting into the mass production
I’m the judge, the jury and assembly lineI shake my booty on the conveyor belt
Let’s see how hot I can get before I melt
See the pools of the molten steel
I’ll shape it, cool it and then make it realThere’s a stamp
There’s a clamp
In the Industrial Revolution
Make a lamp
Make a ramp
The Industrial RevolutionYou’re overworked and you’re underpaid
Now you’re also overcooked and underplayed
Puny mortals get tired so fast
I’m stampin’, clampin’ till the future’s the pastLet’s get the iron ore and make a steel ore
And make a die cast ore and a rowboat ore
Aluminum ore and a fool’s gold ore
And a chili dog ore for the superstoreThe Industrial frickin’ Revolution
-
They’re terrorizing your neighborhood
You better not barbecue in your backyard
Fight the cougar
Stay away from the windows
Don’t flaunt around corn husks
Fight the cougar
Suburbia is on kitty alert
It prowls and growls and howls for dowel
Fight the cougar!
Use projectiles if you have to
But remember it knows martial artsFight the cougar
Use the blow gun
Fight the cougar
Use your tranq gun
Fight the cougar
Maybe get some help from Dean KoontzThis is an emergency.
The president has been attacked by a cougar.
He was not carrying nunchucks at the time.
It breathed hot flames on him when he was on his way home…
From seeing a double feature…Apocalypse Now and The Wedding Planner
Raise the cougar alert to yella. Immediately.
I repeat, this is an emergency.
The president of the debate team has been attacked by a fierce puma.Fight the cougar
Use the blow gun
Fight the cougar
Use your tranq gun
Fight the cougar
Maybe get some help from Tom Sellick
Fight the cougar. -
Alright listen ladies, we’ve got a situation here (You need a trow!)
There is a hole in my wall (You need a trow!)
I fell against the wall while wearing a suit of armor (You need a trow!)
I was watching Apocalypse Now Redux at the time (You need a trow!)
I need a what? (You need a trow!)
I say what? (You need a trow!)
I need a what? (You need a trow!)
Pardon me? (You need a trow!)
What’s that? (You need a trow!)
I need a what? (You need a trow!)
Oh, I need a trow!There’s a hole in the plaster wall
There’s a hole but it’s pretty small
There’s a hole in the plaster wall
I’m gonna give Home Depot a callI need a trow
There’s a hole in the stucko wall
There’s a hole from my mighty fall
There’s a hole in the stucko wall
I’m gonna give Home Depot a callI need a trow
To fix the hole that my armor made
-
Getting you chicks
Take your pick
‘Cause I’m yer sidekick
Take your pick
Someday you’ll thank me
Someday you’ll shave meI’m your back hair
Making it possibleKeeping you warm
In a dark cave
Me and your loincloth
In a dark dank cave
Someday you’ll thank me
Someday you’ll shave meI’m your back hair
Making you comfortableYou’re welcome
So very welcome -
Banana slug
Playing Dig Dug
Do you wanna go to the puppet show?
Banana slug
Kick ass persian rug
Do you always long to play ping-pong?Banana slug
Whoa oh oh oh oh
Banana slug
Where did you go?
When you crawled under my couch
You probably crawled under my couchBanana slug
Rock your rock mug
You have a photo shoot when the owls hoot
Banana slug
Practice goodbye hugs
I can’t cry real tears
They will ruin youHow did you get on the cover
Of the new Perfect Circle album?Banana slug
Frickin’ big bug
Do you wanna go to the talent show?
Banana slug
Kick ass persian rug
Do you always long to play ping-pong? -
You don’t know me but you don’t own me
I won’t treat you right like my T-square
If my name is Ernie and your name is Chucky
Look me in the eye patch when I’m speakingYou’ve got to earn, earn, earn
Earn earn earnI stole a tractor, that might be a factor
‘Cause after I jacked her I lacked her
Take a look at my brow, do you like my brow?
Does this kind of brow make you cry?You’ve got to earn, earn, earn
Earn earn earn
I better be seeing an attitude change real soon bucko!You’ve got to earn
Earn earn
My respect!Don’t disrespect me, my fu man chu says so
I’ll body check you before you know it
Come a little closer, let me give you a tip
Because round here I run a pretty tight shipYou’ve got to earn, earn, earn
Earn earn earn
I better be seeing an attitude change real soon bucko! -
In the ice cream flavor future
I have my own missile silo
And everyone you know
Has a missile siloIn the ice cream flavor future
There’s a steak house in every missile silo
In the ice cream flavor future
Everyone has to stay in a Shilo
Cause there’s so many missile silosIs this one?
You know there’s so many missile silos
Is that guy one?
You know there’s so many missile silos
Is this thing one?
You know there’s so many missile silos
Am I one?
You know there’s so many missile silosI’ll make a man out of you
(Man! Man! Man! Robot!)
I’ll throw you a birfday siesta
(Girl! Girl! Natural world!)
I’ll make some scientists too
(Make a little man from a tin can!)
I’ll make a scientist…
(It just happens!)
…Out of scraps of tissueYou knew this would happen
I hope you like your steak with a side of coleslaw
In the ice cream flavor future
I have my own missile silo
And everyone you know
Has their very own missile silo -
One more trip to the birdfeeder
One more rousing game of Mouse Trap
I don’t want to lose to you
I don’t want to be your inferiorBecause you hover in the same place
You think you’re just a BIG BEE
You hover incessantly
Can I call you Humming B?Two ways I can beat you to the punch
Two ways I can win at Mouse Trap
I can either cheat while you eat
While we play can you feel the heat?In the days I could win at Battleship
In the days you could win at Crossfire
Now you’re always flying higher
And it’s all about the prospective buyerYou never had a nest
Always preferred indoor plumbing
Always got a genie lamp
That you’re always rubbing in front of meYou’ve been a jerk for the past week
I don’t want to be your friend anymore
When we were kids we wanted to be roommates when we went to college
But you’ve changed and we’ve grown apart
Let’s face it
You are the champion!Little bird you’re gonna burn
You’re gonna burn burn burn -
The druids get down with a flashing strobe
All the ladies want to tear off that funky robe
The druids work out on their new Bow Flex
Everyone’s jinxed or cursed or vexedHip hip hooray for the sun today
Hip hip hooray for the relay raceIt’s a druid eat druid world
It’s the baton that the pagans passAll the cool kids want my hooded robe
Oh run the relay race
Track and field is my four-course meal
I did a spell with a banana peelHip hip hooray for the sun today
Hip hip hooray for the relay raceIt’s a druid eat druid world
It’s the baton that the pagans passIt’s a modern-day druid world
My Bow Flex only makes me stronger
I’ve got a jar full of virgin bones
I’ve got a calendar made of stones -
Now that I got all my sha-na-nas out
I’m gonna scream and shout
I’m gonna cry and pout
I’m gonna lay it down
And sport a jeweled crown
Yeah. Shit.
Let’s hear it for the gemstone
I got them on my mind
They’re very hard to find
Diamonds are hard to grind
I’m gonna make them mine
I made rock song
I might be wrongI’m gonna give you some
Topaz!
A happy seizure spaz
From opal to Constantinople to tourmaline
I got a good spleen
Liver like a lima bean
Agate for the life of Bob Sagat
A fierce tiger uppercut
Then take a shortcut to ConnecticutThis corundum is my conundrum
This corundum is my conundrum
Deep blue sapphires
Rubies like fire
And these emerald beryl ridersDarn it, garnet
Garnet, the devil incarnate
Onyx!
Yeah, I’m on it
Like a black hole
A blind mole
The band Hole
Or Bob Dole
I gotta get inside
Because I can’t see it from the outside
Camouflage, yeah I carry a badge
And it’s dark and preciousAmethyst!
You best feel the fist
You’re dissed.
And if I missed I’m gonna be pissed
But I’m kissed I’m gonna be a nice guy
I’m gonna be as nice as a cow pie
And now that I got all my sha-na-nas back
I’m gonna be a rap hack
Join the Rat Pack
That’s a fact
I’m gonna attack Zack the Lego ManiacThis corundum is my conundrum
This corundum is my conundrum
Deep blue sapphires
Rubies like fire
And these emerald beryl ridersThey say it’s all about the bling bling
Well I say it’s only my thing
If you want piece of my rock ring
Well you have to feel that rock and roll stingKicking it back with the Gemstone Rap.
-
Nod your head
Salute the man you made you
Submit to his trampoline party
Command my life
And then fill it with strife
His newspaper hat is soothingTake a stroll through the wax museum
Admire the admiral
He does his thing with holistic faith healing
What a marvelous feelingHe’s not right
He’s an inappropriate chief
He’s not right
He’s not a happenin’ cap’nFill your horn
Then shuck the popcorn
Your admiral is once again a kernel
Sail the sea with milk for knees
You made my life smell like goat cheeseGet me my telescope
And a hundred feet of rope
The Sarge, he helped me pass the bar
We learned some tuba
Now we’re on our way to ClevelandWhat a marvelous feeling
Admire the admiral -
I say pirates aren’t funny anymore
I yell it from the roof in 2004
That’s my declaration, my decree
It was stated in the Gettysburg Address
Of all kinds of funny things, pirates are best
But now Honest Abe is all washed up
He’s out of touch with the zeitgeistSomeday you’ll thank me
When you have grandkids and a baby
But maybe one day in 2009
Pirates will again be very fine!I strike the gavel, pump the fist
Trust me in a year pirates won’t be missed
You won’t be the one who walks the plank
I strike the gavel, pump the fist
Pirates aren’t real, they won’t be pissed
You won’t be the one who walks the plankListen to your heart, what does it speak?
Take your knife out from the parrot’s beak
Put away your peg legs, hook hands and loot
Pop a freaking Vitamin C pill to bootSomeday you’ll thank me
When you have grandkids and a baby
But maybe one day in 2009
Pirates will again be very fine!I strike the gavel, pump the fist
Trust me in a year pirates won’t be missed
You won’t be the one who walks the plank
I strike the gavel, pump the fist
Pirates aren’t real, they won’t be pissed
You won’t be the one who walks the plank
I strike the gavel, pump the fist
Pirates were new ninjas on the list
You won’t be the one who swabs the poop deck
I strike the gavel, pump the fist
Make a pirate joke and you’ll be dissed
Then you’ll HAVE AN ACCIDENT ON THE MAST -
Welcome to my Black Omen
Where you can be one with hate and despair
Fight some orcs and some imps with your crossbow
See if you can swim across this acid-filled moatDon’t want it
Don’t want it
You do not want itYou can speak of alternate realities
Pale blue specters of a better life
Fight them off with shiny holy power
If you win, you get a golden sword
Curses you foul beast, for I shall smite you into dust.Just fight it
Just fight it
Just smite it deadAnd there are dragons in the cave
And maidens that you must save
Avenge her with your golden sword
But perish in black pools of blood
I spit and shit upon your filthy remains you foul dogWelcome to my Black Omen
Where you can be one with hate and despair
Fight some orcs and some imps with your crossbow
See if you can swim across this acid-filled moat
