Crack House

November 2003

In 2003, Alex decided to take a Machiavellian approach to modern rock music. He took his hearty, straightforward Beatles-pop songs and tempered them with fuzzed out guitars and booming drums. So basically, it’s a Weezer album — Arrowsmith style. It plays like a greatest hits album, only it is suspiciously consistent in ways that Bruce Springsteen’s Greatest Hits is not. The time-honored 12-song attack leaves no survivors on the battlefield of rock/pop music. It doesn’t take a sleep-deprived border collie to realize that this is the Universe’s response to the trilobyte. Is it possible that this IS the Great American Pop Album? Yes.

Track Listing

(click titles for lyrics)

  1. Time Travel

    Hurry up you’re late
    We gotta get to space
    And find a warm place
    On the Moon’s cold face

    Now I’ll always see you by moonlight

    But it takes so long
    To fly and move along
    And it takes so long
    To time travel when you’re old

    Farther out in space
    There is a cool place
    But we’ll never melt
    On Orion’s jeweled belt

    Now I’ll always see you by starlight

    But it takes so long
    To fly and move along
    And it takes so long
    To time travel when you’re old

    Now it’s not as hard
    In my own back yard
    We don’t need machines
    For Chinese teas

    Now I’ll always see you by sunlight

  2. Found The Hound

    Act the part if you got heart
    There’s no action or stunts around
    Make me lunch, rake the yard
    It ain’t that hard
    But we’re feeling a little like holy rollers

    I’m back
    I found the hound
    I found the hound doing rounds

    Entertain the mayor’s son
    Get down with Napoleon
    No cookies for your pets
    You gotta leave room for the best
    Lest we feel a little like holy rollers

    I’m back
    I found the hound
    I found the hound doing rounds

  3. Dinosaur

    If you were a dinosaur would you be a brontosaurus?
    Would you be friendly and always be eating healthy?
    Maybe you’re not one to be intellectual, philosophical or sentimental
    But if you listen to your guru, that’s good enough for this world

    If I were a dinosaur, I would be a pterodactyl
    With a tuxedo
    Always on my way to a formal luncheon
    Now if you imagine that
    You can think of anything to pull from your ass
    At anytime, anywhere
    For all the long-hairs

    If you think I’m not willing and able
    I can bring anything to the table
    I can bring Cribbage, Uno, or D&D
    I can bring all the love you could want from me
    I’m a dinosaur
    I’m a dinosaur dancing

    You gotta rip it up from the rafters
    You gotta wanna be a raptor
    You wanna be a paleontologist?
    You wanna be something different?

  4. Cast My Shadow

    Oh I need sunglasses
    A solar powered car
    To keep the photons minimal
    She’s oxygen
    She’s hydrogen
    She’s ultraviolet

    You should know that you cast my shadow

    Oh I need a total eclipse
    All I wanna see is her corona
    She’s a product of the Big Bang
    My light source
    My energy
    My solar wind

    You should know that you cast my shadow

    Relatively speaking, it’s not hard at all
    To hide from the Moon
    But everything I do is weather-dependent
    Some day she’ll expand
    Engulf the Earth
    Like a whiffle ball

    You should know that you cast my shadow

  5. She Turns The Screws

    When she makes science fun
    She turns the screws
    When she’s a dirty thief
    She turns the screws
    When she goes jangle pop
    She turns the screws
    When she goes all-out goth
    She turns the screws

    I don’t mean it when I say that it’s done
    She doesn’t mean it when she says that it’s lumber
    They’re not lying when they say that I’m dumber

    She turns the screws
    And I play the blues
    She turns the screws
    And I watch the view

    When she bends the spoon
    She turns the screws
    When she serves the ball
    She turns the screws
    When she writes the rules
    She turns the screws
    When she’s in love with bunnies
    She turns the screws

    I don’t mean it when I say that it’s done
    She doesn’t mean it when she says that it’s lumber
    They’re not lying when they say that I’m dumber

    She turns the screws.

  6. Put On A Show

    Everyone’s sick of working
    So now we’re waiting
    And I’m brought down to my knees
    Locked up with half a key
    But then there’s Chai Tea Disease
    A way to pass the time
    But sloth is a crime
    When you haven’t seen a dime
    Playing in a cafe or a coffee place
    Hoping they think it’s a freak out too

    There ain’t nowhere to go
    So let’s put on a show

    See the other bands
    The suburban superstars
    They draw all the chicks from the sticks in
    Now that’s indie rock
    The local indie rock scene
    Or maybe it’s a punk scene or a folk scene
    Maybe I should sell my guitar for job
    But I don’t know, it just goes to show

    And hump a guitar
    Hump a guitar
    You got your act down?
    You got your chops now?

    Now I’m making like it’s 1993
    Wanna be a guitar when I’m 23
    Now half a life later I’m a rock and roll traitor
    I’d like to quit and become a waiter
    But I’m not gonna cheat so check out my drum beat
    We borrowed a drum set from our friend’s dad

    And hump a guitar
    Hump a guitar
    You got your act down?
    You got your chops now?
    And when you solo
    Do you go low?

    There ain’t nowhere to go
    So let’s put on a show.

  7. Modern Man

    Preying on the people of Atlantis
    Learning how to censor in Modesto
    They don’t like the way we do the dances
    Girls only give so many chances

    Swim the sea with me
    This iron hand will rid the land
    Of all modern man

    Lying on the beach in California
    Fighting back the waves in sunny Florida
    Hydraulic engineering for survival
    Aliens don’t care for this revival

    Swim the sea with me
    Use your hands to rid the land
    Of all modern man

    This is modern man
    This is modern man
    We love modern man

    Preying on the people of Atlantis
    Learning how to censor in Tacoma
    They don’t like the way we do the dances
    Girls only give so many chances

    Swim the sea with me
    These hungry teeth will rid the land
    Of all modern man
    Nothing goes as planned
    Two birds in the hand

  8. Banana Seat

    When I’m on my banana seat
    I give a wink and nod to the ladies
    When I’m on my banana seat
    I fasten a gat to the handle bars

    I’ve got a horn too
    I’m gonna honk at you
    I’m gonna honk at you
    I’m gonna wrong you

    When I’m on…
    (My banana seat)

    When I’m on my banana seat
    I say “hop on!” to all the ladies
    When I’m on my banana seat
    I’m gonna nail you to the street

    I’ve got a horn too
    I’m gonna honk at you
    I’ve got a horn too
    I’m gonna wrong you

  9. She’s A Magnet

    It’s a boy!
    No it’s a girl I think
    That long-hair’s in my way
    I’m gonna phase her out
    Machete Kevin
    Rigorous Investigation
    Someday I know I’ll be the name of the station

    The pull, I see now
    She’s a magnet
    She’s a magnet
    She’s a magnet
    She watches Dragnet

    Just like Jesus
    Holy roller fare
    I don’t want to agree
    I don’t want her to see
    I dream of aliens and first contact
    When I wake up I see they’re just tubes of glass

    Excuse me please
    You know you sting like bees
    And you know you’ll bee what I want to bee
    I read your horrorscope every day
    So why is it that I’m still afraid?

    Only with me
    Only with me
    She’s a magnet
    She’s a magnet
    She watches Dragnet

  10. I Had An Idea

    Too much heat on Sherman Street
    Back to back or who is who
    The waves moved till I could not move
    But then I had an idea

    From shore to shore I walk the course
    More and more I count the doors
    I laugh until I cannot movev
    But then I have an idea

    Shit, I’m shocked
    Let’s talk, I’m locked
    Minimum wage
    I’m still a waste
    I cannot move until you make a move

    Too much heat on Sherman Street
    Walk there and back by bike or car
    The moon’s dark side was facing me
    And then I had an idea

    From coast to coast I think I’m toast
    Roasted, toasted, burnt the most
    I move until I cannot move
    But then I have an idea

  11. Soldier Down

    I won’t die too soon
    Wanna be in my platoon?
    Soldier down
    I wanna know the score
    And form opinions on war
    Soldier down

    I can talk like I’m there
    Talking trench warfare
    Soldier down
    I can’t find the cure
    But I can sloganeer
    Soldier down

    I heard the seven-inch
    At a red block party down in the ditch
    And I remember it must have been great
    To fight and hallucinate
    Hey

    I know bit by bit by bit
    What it’s like out there in the jungle shit
    Soldier down
    Man I can taste it through and through
    Just like it do
    Watching Gulf War One and Two
    Soldier down

    I heard the seven-inch
    At a red block party down in the ditch
    And I remember it must have been great
    To fight and hallucinate
    Hey

  12. No Tomorrow

    No no no no no tomorrow

    You will wake up bright and early
    You will wake up bright and dirty
    She’s waiting for you to ask her
    Don’t you think you gotta say the words
    Hanging on every letter you spout out
    Wishing for a hint or a creation
    Oh how I wish that this was false
    I live on knowing that there’s…

    No no no no no tomorrow

    They say I’ve got to keep Mariah
    They say I’ve got to keep my Wanda
    Don’t think I can keep my guts
    They wait for me to kick some ass
    Smiles are the best incentive
    She smiles but I can’t feel the words
    Oh how I wish that this was false
    I live on knowing that there’s…

    No no no no no tomorrow

    Smiles are the best incentive
    She smiles but I can’t feel the words
    Oh how I wish that this was false
    I live on knowing that there’s…

    No no no no no tomorrow