A Bunch Of Songs
November 2002
In 2002, Alex went nuts in his seedy apartment in Gresham and recorded a bunch of songs, about half of which ended up becoming the 31-song epic A Bunch of Songs. It ranges from goofy indestructable pop songs (“Surgeon,” “Beard Down To Here”) to goofy non-songs (“Charlottes Web,” “Keep That Rope Taut”) and back again (“Sports Fright,” “So Long Mrs. Wong”). Many of the songs sound like inside jokes, but let me assure you, they are not. It is just Alex exploring the limits of human incoherence. But despite this pretentious aim, it is a truly fun album to listen to with your pets at 3 AM. Note: respect the bear. Fear it. Love. It.
Track Listing
(click titles for lyrics)
-
I forgot to wash my hands after performing an appendectomy
I think I forgot to wash my hands before carving some crazy turkey
If cleanliness is loneliness then loneliness is surgical
Well I think I crapped in the beans at the Taco Shack (not sure)I forgot to wash my hands after performing a French Horn solo
I think I forgot to play my horn after hanging with Zoot Horn Rolo
No I’m not a model for sanitation in the 90s
Although my ancestors came up with SimCity 2000
Mouth solo!I replaced an inflamed appendix with a Taco Shack taco
I thought he might like a little gift so I threw a taco party
If thoughtfulness is gratefulness, then gratefulness is surgical
But I’m standing on the shoulders of my rich-ass ancestorsSo next time I hope you think twice before helping yourself to a taco
Because even a bean burrito may be the end of youOh that burrito will be the end of you
Oh that burrito will be the end of you
Don’t help yourself to a taco -
Doggie show tickets at half prices
Doggie show tickets at half prices
Spending the night with me at Brice’s
Spending the night with me at Brice’s
I can’t take this torture
No I can’t take this torture
I can’t take this torture Mrs. Wong!So long Mrs. Wong
You called me a bore at the corner store
You called me a bore at the corner store
I screwed up when I pushed on the pull door
I felt dumb when I pushed on the pull door
I don’t have to take this
No I don’t have to take this
I don’t have to take this Mrs. Wong!And all the Russians like you
And I wish I was Russian too
And all the Russians like you
And I wish I was Russian too
So long
So long
Adios
Ciao -
You’ve got the money
And I’ve got the honey
And I’m feeling lonely
So let’s catch us a bearI say we break out the cards
And pay tribute to the man who invented Craps
Hallelujah
‘Cause you’ve got the money
And I’ve got the honey
You know it to be trueThe bear is a creature to be feared
Fear it, love it, respect the bear
Don’t treat him lightly
Don’t play dead
It disrespects him
Many don’t know this
But Craps is good for the soul
It cures the common cold
It has enzymes in it
That make you not ill
Now here’s the meaning:Let’s fight some bears and play a game of Craps
But it’s not so easyRespect the bear.
-
Yeti yeti yeti
Yeti or Steve
Steve Steve Steve
Steve or YetiFrom time to time some fool
Will ask me if I’ve ever seen the Yeti
And I reply, “No, not Yeti.”Yeti yeti yeti
Yeti or Steve
Steve Steve Steve
Steve or YetiFrom time to time some fool
Will ask me if I have ever met Steve
And I reply, “Yeah, he’s like my best friend”And I found the Yeti’s diary and this is what it said:
“I think I’m gonna go build a fort or something
Hang out with some walruses
Then maybe shave my back or get a new light bulb for my lamp”Yeti yeti yeti
Yeti or Steve
Steve Steve Steve
Steve or Yeti
Yeti yeti yeti
Yeti or Steve
Steve Steve Steve
Steve or Haley Joel Osment -
Bass player
Beat layer
Defy the laws
Apply the gauzeState your name
State your state
Apply for facial hair in 50 statesThe best thing that anyone could ask for
Is beard down to here
Beard down to hereFrat hazer
Straight razor
Wait for months
Tons of sudsGreet the cops
Mutton chops
My girlfriend
Cut them off -
What’s up now?
I fear the torpedo
It’s neato
Holy toledo!
I want a burrito
Salsa, someone turn down the heat-o
I respect the torpedo
Flying at me from all different sides
I’ve got a lot of guys
But alas the torpedo ain’t my sizeI fear the torpedo
Not the homing missile
I fear the torpedo
Not the homing missile
I can fight off missiles
But I fear the torpedoNew Lego set
I respect the torpedo
Not too discreto
Many repeato
Han shot Greedo
I yearn for a Frito
And to school Judge Ito
One on one
Yeah man we’ll have some fun
Uh better make that two on oneI see one coming this way
It’s aimed right at your face
Get in the sub right away
Guess it just ain’t your day -
Mayhaw Hoons: [going nuts in my apartment]
Alex Arrowsmith: [ad lib]
Mayhaw Hoons: [going hobo]
-
Everything I touch is comic gold
Everything I touch
I’ve got the touch
Everything I touch becomes a hit rapper
Everything I touch
I’ve got the touchEverything I touch is solid gold
Everything I touch
I’ve got the touch
Everything I touch becomes a manimal
Everything I touch
I’ve got the touchEverything he touch on the butt
I see a hit in everyone
Everything he touch on the what?!
I’ll get some booty off your nü metal failure
Everything he touch on the butt
I put a hit on everyone
Everything he touch on the what?!
I’ll get some booty in your Hollywood trailerEverything I touch is typhoid fever
Everything I touch
I’ve got the touch
Everything I touch is very clean-shaven
Everything I touch
I’ve got yer lunchEverything I touch has got the touch
-
All of my dudes are three years old
All of my dudes have beards and afros
They shave with crayons, carnation pink
Shaving their facial hair into the sinkAll of my dudes got chicks and moods
All of my dudes got gigantic chops
They shave with crayons, all black it seems
Shaving their facial hair with laser beamsThey are so much cooler
And here’s me with a ruler
They are so much cooler
And here’s me with a rulerAll of my dudes are three years old
All of my dudes have beards and afros
They shave with crayons, all red and white
Shaving and shaving into the night -
The shark was coming at me but then it blew up
The shark was coming at me but then it blew up
No one would tell me if we won the cup
Go with the flow I said but it don’t know
That there was a tank of compressed oxygen in its mouth
That I shot when it was coming at me
Which caused it to blow up
And for me to get shark shrapnel in my sideLike it could give a shit
‘Bout blowing up
It’s a freakin’ shark
I got a piece of shrapnel in my side
Shark shrapnel!The shark was coming at me but then it blew up
Shark shrapnel!
-
People gettin’ me down on my rap skills
‘Cause I rap how I wanna rap
Cap how I wanna cap
Rap how I wanna rap
I rap how I wanna rap
Stapp how I wanna Stapp
Rap how I wanna rapNow here’s the part of the song that’s not rap:
Hot lava
Jugo de guavaLet’s top rock, baby
Let’s moonwalk, baby
Let’s top rock, baby
Let’s freestyle, baby
Let’s moonwalk, baby
Now watch me freestyle.That’s freestylin’, baby
That’s freestyle, baby
Now watch me moonwalk
That’s hard!Hot lava
Jugo de guava‘Cause I rap how I wanna rap
Cap how I wanna cap
Rap how I wanna rap
I rap how I wanna rap
Trap how I wanna trap
Rap how I wanna rap -
Seize the grappling hook
Seize
Scale the wall
Use your suction cups
Utilize them
Use your suction cups
Seize the grappling hook
Seize -
Who got the huh?
Who got the huh?
I got the huh
He got the huh
She got the huh
Who got the huh?
Everybody got the huh
Who got the huh?
We got the huh!Role call
List of people who have the huh
Jon Lovitz he got the huh
Paul Poundstone she got the huh
Danny Bonaduce he got the huh
Leif Garrett he got the huh
No I’m just kidding, Leif Garrett got arrested
No I’m just kidding again, Leif Garrett didn’t get arrestedJon Lovitz he got the huh
Paul Poundstone she got the huh
Danny Bonaduce he got the huh
Leif Garrett he got the huh
Who got the huh?Who has the huh?
Now I’m going to tell you about one more person who has the huh
He has the most huh
He passed the test of huh
Has lots
Puts huh in basket
And the person with the most huh I’ve ever associated with at a cocktail party with drink in hand is…Prefontaine!
-
Would you like me to time you running?
You ran a 60-minute mile
Would you like to do the shuttle run?
Or 60 sit-ups in a minute?
But you can’t do shot-put because I can’t time it
This is a fitness testTest.
-
I want to party
I want to party
But I got abducted by aliens
So I had to settle for
I had to settle for an alien jump rope partyAn alien jump rope party
An alien jump rope party
There are tentacles everywhere
But they get down when they party heartyA lot of crap went down that day
The day I became a man
The head alien of the mothership sat me down on his leg and said
“Son, you need to jump some freaking rope.”
So I did
I jumped one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
I got tired
I didn’t have the stamina that the rest of the aliens did
I sucked.Jump rope, jump rope, jump rope
Then anal probeJump rope, jump rope, jump rope
Then mosh pit or conga line?I want to breakdance
I want to breakdance
But I out-partied the aliens -
A bear—a tiny bear—broke into my house and taught me this song
And I found some harsh guy to sing it for youBear fantastic
Bear so funny
Bear so huggable
Bear like honey!
Bear fantastico
Bear like honey
Outlook is sunny
Bear hunt bunny!When bear is on good behavior
I reward him with bear treats
By which I mean a nice good wrastlin’
Now let us sing about our good friend the mighty shark, king of the jungleShark have sharp tooth
Shark like humans
Shark like playing
In his new Pumas
Shark have sharp tooth
Speak Francais
Shark like sagging pants below the waistI tried to befriend a shark once
But he already had four friends
And one of them was Jaws
Goddamn it Jaws, you ruined my lifeThe shark is fierce
But the bear is noble
They’re just like you
Nervous at the sight of a coonskin cap -
He threw it to the left
And then he threw it to the right
He picked up the very chair
That I sit in tonight
He sat down
He came into town
He threw it to the left
And then he threw it back down
Dude, I just saw a polter
I saw a polter on the way over here
I was jumping on a really tiny trampoline
Really tiny backflip tiny
And I saw a polter
I was just pouring myself some Tang
And I saw a polter!
It started throwing stuff at me like
Table legs, wash pans, calling cards, staples, laser pointers, and bottles of acid
Bad acid
Hey I had a sniffle
And I gave it a whiffle
And it really hurt
There was a crazy polter
It was a crazy polter
Woooo!
That’s what it kept saying to me
Woooo!
This song is kind-of scary
Play it for your kids at Halloween
And they will cook you weenies
Get it? Halloween?I saw a polter and it made me take my shirt off
That’s alright, I was wearing two
For what purpose I have not yet determined
I think it was Teacher Appreciation Day
It was all part of the neverending story -
Beard on my chest
Beard on my chest
Beard on my chest
Now where’s the rest?My mony ma mony ma mony ma mony
Check out my vest
Check out my vest
Check out my vest
Please, be my guestThis is the best
This is the best
This is the best
This test is the bestI came in a pod
I came in a pod
I came in a pod
To hang out with ToddBeard on my chest
Beard on my chest
Beard on my chest
Now where’s the rest? -
Are you ready to start a revolution?!
Gary keeps staring at my gas station jacket
Gary keeps staring at my gas station jacket
Rich kid band and he’s pining for Sarah
Sarah got enough honeyLast weekend Gary bought a huge Marshall Stack
He’s making me listen to the Strokes and the Knack
Whooping on Iggy Pop and Velvet Underground
Lou Reed’s coming over to take him downHey Gary Dudley, you put on the mac?
I heard your band’s playing with some ska band
Hey pick it up, pick it up, I’m too old for this
Did you see the Weezer show, I sure enjoyed itI heard you like Sarah, isn’t she the man?
I heard she likes guys in rich kid bands
I heard she likes you but she got enough honey
You should grow some facial hair and fight a bearI’m just kidding, Gary Dudley is rad
I really don’t think emo kids are bad
They just keep staring at my gas station jacket
With a name like Pepe, I think they understand -
Spiderman and Dracula
Fighting with a spatula
‘Cause every night they like to fight
Friendly wrassling through the nightBoo-berry
Count Chocula
And Frankenberry
Call the papers
Alert the press
‘Cause tonight’s fight is gonna put it to rest
And that’s the story of Spiderman and DraculaSpiderman and Dracula
Fighting with a spatula
‘Cause every night they like to fight
Friendly wrassling through the nightAnd that’s the story of Spiderman and Dracula
Yeah that’s all I know about Spiderman and Dracula
Four course meal with a spatula -
“I got a ten-gallon hat today!”
“What kind of hat?”
“A ten-gallon s–”
“Shh! Don’t tell me, don’t speak. Let it be a surprise.”Hat this tall
Bought at the mini-mall
Hat and frames
Kickin’ asses and taking namesThere’s nothing wrong with it
There’s nothing wrong with it
There’s nothing wrong with your sombreroForbidden dance
Next time please wear pants
Mirror too small
With hat this tallA sombrero is part of your head
A sombrero is part of your head
A sombrero is there till you’re dead
A sombrero you wear to bed
A sombrero you wear to bed
To bedHat this tall
So tall I called the cops
Hat this lame
No, hat this tall
Hat this tall
So tall I called the cops
You want me all
With hat this tall -
Keep that rope taut
You better keep that rope taut
We’re sailing together
I brought you along
You’re my cousin and that’s why I did it
But you better take that damn rope right there
Put it between your hands and keep it tautKeep that rope taut
Here, pull that rope, pull that rope like that
Keep it taut
Hey, okay?
Keep it taut
I’d really appreciate it
If you take your shoelace and keep it taut
When I go sailing on my yacht
I keep it taut on my yacht
I paid attention to what my teachers said to me
They kept me taught
While I kept this taut on my yachtDo you see that rope?
Do you see that rope made of rock ‘n’ roll?
You keep it taut
You take that rope of rock ‘n’ roll
And you keep that son of a bitch taut
You keep it taut!
You keep that rope taut!
Yeah!
Taut!
Shakaca!
What? -
Charlotte’s Web is my favorite book
I like readin’ itCharlotte’s Web, it’s my favorite book
I like it to readI like Wilbur
He’s my favorite pig
I like huggin’ him
If I could
Dance!Charlotte’s Web, it’s my favorite book
I like it to readI like Charlotte
Even though she’s a spider
I like to smoochI like Wilbur
He’s my favorite pig
He’s my favorite white meat
Dance!The best thing about Charlotte’s Web
Is that it’s 237 pages long
Uhh. -
I’ve got lots of dudes
I need a moustache to make me cool
But I’ve got my dudes
And they’re your dudes tooI’ll settle for a soul patch
And pine for mutton chaps
But I’ve got my dudes
And I’ll share them with dudesI’ve got my dudes
They’ll make me eat sandwiches
And they’re your dudes too -
I’ve got ESP and ESPN
I’m pleasantly pissed
I’m pleasantly pissed
I do the same when I read your mind
I made pro so I got to know BoI’ve got ESP and ESPN
It’s sport watch, golf trot
Basketball three shot
I read the news when I read your mind
To millions of viewers watching nationwideI spend the money
I spend the money
I spend the money
I spend the money on Wilson productsWhat’s this crystal ball folderol
Soothsaying baseball
Mini golf at mini malls
Psychics giving safety calls
Crystal ball folderol
The future in the hands of sportscastersI’ve got ESP and ESPN
Watch the world end
Sitting by your best dead friend
Retire once then go back to punts
It’s no fun since you know who wonBiff Tannen
Sports Almanac
Biff Loman
Jock son -
I’m Starving Marving
I’m Hungry Henry
I’m Steven Starvin’
Wow, you have a lot of subs<'/p>I’m still thinking
I’m still thinking
I’m still thinking
Okay I’m ready nowI’m Starving Marving
I’m Hungry Henry
I’m Steven Starvin’
Can I get a long meatball? -
Mayhaw Hoons: [going nuts in my apartment]
Alex Arrowsmith: [ad lib]
Mayhaw Hoons: [going hobo]
-
Check out my verb unit
It’s an extension of me
Baby you like when my voice fades off?My voice is like wine
Flowing over the canyons
My new verb unit’s getting me actionAnd now a reaction
Yeah I think it makes me look good
Hall, room, plate, and parking garage
Baby take yer pickMy voice is soaked
In expensive reverb
Two grand from some cool place in LAHere’s my reverb
Here’s my reverb
Here’s my reverb
How do you like me now?I want a compressor.
-
Wolverine trapped in a safe deposit box
Here at the studio
It’s a very big news day for Albino Tuxedo
Yet still, despite the news,
No one knows who did it
Who put the wolverine in the safe deposit box?Wolverine trapped in a safe deposit box
They call me the locksmith
Why is this?
Why do they call me the locksmith?
I’ll tell you
Because I’m about to change keysWolverine trapped in a safe deposit box
It wasn’t Prefontaine
It was Mefontaine -
Lyrics? Ya want yer freakin’ lyrics? All you need to know is that this is just a bunch of bad jokes I made up about fondue. End of discussion.
-
Moustache in disguise and undercover
Look at me!
I see one half, where’s the other?
She’s keeping score now
I don’t know how
I can keep this half moustache on my faceI’ve learned long ago you can’t impress a girl with facial hair
Not one would think that I’m looking good but Prefontaine might care
I want the best of both worlds
That’s why I have only half a ‘stacheI found the ‘stache at Hayward Field
Pre ran there with a tiny bear
But that is where Pre let me share his moustache
In spirit of course, it would be freaking creepy otherwiseI’ve learned long ago you can’t impress a girl with facial hair
Not one would think that I’m looking good but Prefontaine might care
I want the best of both worlds
That’s why I have only half a ‘stache
